We have moved. Don’t Mind It!
What to do? There is a new a new sheriff in this curry western and he’s wants all ranters in one place. He needs our help. We have orders to mind it, and a new location.
We are like this only. Don’t mind it.
Outsourcing of Birthing
In some ways, childbirth is a no-brainer. In most cases, a woman gets pregnant and fast forward nine months later, a child is born. With few exceptions, the process is universal. The stuff that happens leading up to and immediately around the event of childbirth is also mostly universal, with a few exceptions.
Outside the US, in the weeks and months leading up to childbirth, events most notable probably are comments by people around you. You’d probably hear something like this: “My, you’re getting quite big there”, or “You know, based on the bulge profile, the alignment of the stars and the croaking of frogs, I predict its a (insert gender here)”. Or your family furnishes a huge menu of nauseating foods meant to infuse the unborn child with super powers. You may attend a few rituals called for by your traditions. Mostly, you just go about your business until the baby pops out: la la, la la, laa, oops baby.
Where have all the cows gone?
“Hello, Bunty beta, this is your mummy.”
“Hi Mummy, what is the matter? Why are you calling this late?” Groggy.
“Beta, I tell you all the time, don’t be American and say hai hai all the time. It is so inauspicious. Say hello to your mummy like a nice Indian boy.”
“Sorry mummy. Namaste mummy-ji. How are you?”
“I’m fine beta. Sorry to wake you up beta, but I was looking at your snaps in your email and I was so excited that I had to call now only. You have such a nice big house beta. It looks just like every other house around there only. Very clever beta. That way the dacoits will not know which house to steal from. You must be having so many servants to keep it well and cook and clean. So nice.
Mummy, mummy. The big bad white man is saying nasty things about Indians
“Mummy, mummy. The big bad white man is saying bad things about Indians,” little Bunty spluttered out between sobs.
“Beta, don’t cry, don’t cry, what is the matter? Who is saying all these things?”
Sob, “Joel shmoel or somebody from Time Magazine,” sob, “He is saying such mean things about Indians, that I don’t know how I can live.” Sob.
“Hai Ram! What has become of this world. Time Magazine also? Beta, I think you are old enough now, ok, so I will tell you the ancient secret to ward off the evil eye of the white man. This has been passed down by telling only, so listen and I will tell you, ok?”
Indian newspapers – reach for those chopsticks
If you’re like me, you’ve probably reached the end of the internets more than once. That’s the feeling you get when you have exhausted every blog, newspaper and crappy sites with “popular” stuff guaranteed to kill a few gray cells. That’s when I turn to online websites of Indian newspapers.
That’s also when I reach into my desk drawer for a pair of spare chopsticks to put my eyes out and the nearest heavy object to bash my head in. The ten ads flashing in my face pitching everything from a tin-can on wheels to the promise of the perfect bride, I can take. That’s just crappy site design — desis expect that. What gets me every time is the meaningless jumble of arcane and bombastic English words, that instantly curdles my brain. Spend half a day reading through these newspapers and you will learn nothing of the current state of affairs in India.
