208 Rants

“Mummy, mummy. The big bad white man is saying bad things about Indians,” little Bunty spluttered out between sobs.

“Beta, don’t cry, don’t cry, what is the matter? Who is saying all these things?”

Sob, “Joel shmoel or somebody from Time Magazine,” sob, “He is saying such mean things about Indians, that I don’t know how I can live.” Sob.

“Hai Ram! What has become of this world. Time Magazine also? Beta, I think you are old enough now, ok, so I will tell you the ancient secret to ward off the evil eye of the white man. This has been passed down by telling only, so listen and I will tell you, ok?”

“For a very long time, the white man was living with us.”

“Living with us?” Sniffle.

“Yes beta, but we had to send him away because he was naughty. So we sent him to those cold, cold places far away and we thought, we won’t see him again.”

“Aahaa. I thought it was because of the continental drift,” Sniffle.

“Yes and no beta, but he was smart, this white man, just as he was naughty. It took him a long time, but he built a big, big boat and sailed out to find us again.”

“Oh no, did he?”

“Not initially beta. You see, all he remembered of us was that we wore something on our head. So when he met people who wore feathers, he thought he reached India.”

“Silly white man, a feather is not a dot.” Snicker.

“Yes beta, he soon realized that and kept sailing until he came here.”

“Hai Ram. What happened then.”

“Oh the crafty devil. He took over everything but our people were equally to blame. A bunch of weak sissies, especially on your father’s side.”

“What Mummy, saying bad things about Pappa.” Huffs.

“Na Beta, this was way back. Anyway, things were going downhill. We prayed to our million gods to send us a savior.”

“Did the gods help?’ Skeptical.

“Yes beta, the almighty Vishnu himself came down as an Avataar and saved us.”

“Avataar? Isn’t that a movie.” Confused?

“Silly boy. Don’t even know words from your mother tongue. The white man stole that word as he did so many other things.”

“Who was he?” Anticipation.

“Beta, I tell you, he was supererb, calloused, fragile and a mystic. But his secret was his halitosis, like the divine wind.”

“Divine wind? Kamikazi? Was he Japanese? And Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?”

“So many questions, beta, so many questions. You are watching too many movies. Super, calloused, fragile, mystic, blessed with halitosis. He was a superman – he singlehandedly sent the white man packing just with his breath. Oh and he didn’t eat as well. And walked and walked.”

“Like Forrest Gump? Did he like chocolates.” Snicker.

“No joking beta. He was like god himself. If you jok about him, the heavens may open up and Indra will strike you down.”

“Oh no.”

“Listen beta. He sent them home, the white man. But evil lurks even here. One of our own shot him like a dog.”

“Oh no, oh no. Are we now on our own?” Apprehensive.

“No no beta, didn’t I tell you he was like god himself? Even as he was dying, he gave us the eternal secret to repel the ways of the white man.”

“So good, so good. What was it? Tell me.” Anticipation.

“So listen beta, as he lay dying, breathing his last, that great man gave us this secret mantra. ‘Do not worry my children. When dark clouds fill the skies, robbing sunshine from your eyes, say my name, say my name, Hai Ram.’”

“That’s it? Just say his name? and it will repel the negative ways of the white man?”

“Yes beta. It has worked ever since.”

“So what was his name?”

“Gandhi.”

“Oho, Gandhi! I see now. You are wise Mummy. Do others also know this secret? “

“Why do you say that?”

“Because, so many Indians responded to that Joel fellow’s article and they all saying his name in their articles. I thought they were being silly.”

“No beta. Just remember, when the white man says bad things to you, just say ‘Gandhi, Gandhi, Gandhi’ and he will fade away. Like those films you see that the white man makes. You know the ones where dead people come back to do bad things and the hero saves everyone by holding a cross or something and the bad people burn up and disappear. This Joel fellow apologize already, no?”

“Yes he did. Oh wow. Now I know what to do. I will write a response and pepper it liberally with Gandhi. Thank you Mummy.”

“Ok beta. A long long life be to you.”