Where have all the cows gone?
“Hello, Bunty beta, this is your mummy.”
“Hi Mummy, what is the matter? Why are you calling this late?” Groggy.
“Beta, I tell you all the time, don’t be American and say hai hai all the time. It is so inauspicious. Say hello to your mummy like a nice Indian boy.”
“Sorry mummy. Namaste mummy-ji. How are you?”
“I’m fine beta. Sorry to wake you up beta, but I was looking at your snaps in your email and I was so excited that I had to call now only. You have such a nice big house beta. It looks just like every other house around there only. Very clever beta. That way the dacoits will not know which house to steal from. You must be having so many servants to keep it well and cook and clean. So nice.
And when I saw the land around the house I was so so happy. My son has finally listened to his parents and decided to embrace his ancestors ways. So much land in front and behind the house. And so much green grass. And so nice and trim. You must be having so many cows to keep that grass so trim. I hope they are nice fat Jersey cows like your grandfather had. So much milk they give and so thick. Finally you must be having nice fresh cow milk in the morning. I hope you are thinning it with water beta, because your stomach is not as strong as your forefathers. Your cook must be making nice thick butter and ghee, dahi and lassi. Ghee is so good for your joints. Also, you must give milk to your neighbors so they will see how Indians share nicely. You must be keeping all the cows in the shed next to the house. So big and spacious. The cows must be very happy beta.
And all that cow dung. You must be applying them to your house walls. You know those angrez and also our own people were making fun of that and said it was unclean, but now they realize that cow dung has antibacterial properties. And you can use dry dung cakes for your fireplace for winter. So nice beta. And now you see on TV everywhere, green, green. You know our villages were green for so long and you are doing the same. I hope your neighbors will learn from you.
I was so so happy because how your house is ready for a good Indian girl to take care of you and to manage all your servants. You know, today Mrs. Sharma dropped by for chai, and I was showing her your snaps. She was very impressed beta. Her daughter is very nice, you know. Just tell us beta and we will do everything. You just have to come here and get married.” Gushing.
“Mummy! Mummy! What are you saying? I don’t have cows or servants. This is America, mummy. The grass is a lawn. Everyone has a lawn around their house.” Shocked.
“What are you saying beta? Why do you have so much grass if you don’t have cows or goats? I do not understand beta.”
“Mummy, this is what everyone in America does. They maintain grass lawns around their house. You have to do it otherwise your neighbors and the town will get very upset.” Impatient.
“Hai Ram! You have to grow grass around your house in America? How do you keep it so nice and trim? Do you have more laborers to harvest it?”
“Mummy, its called mowing. A machine cuts the grass and keeps it trim. I use seed and fertilizers and water the grass all summer to keep it green and the machine keeps it trim. I do most of the work myself but sometimes I hire people.”
“Hai Ram! You are now a farmer? What has happened to my English trained son. We thought you were going to America to study and make money and live like a king. But now you are farming, and that too grass, and for what purpose? Do you at least feed the local cows after the grass is cut?”
“No mummy, the grass is tossed away.”
“Hai Ram! Do you have a well like in our village to water the grass?”
“No mummy, we use tap water. Its nice and clean.”
“Hai Ram! Hai Ram! You use processed water to grow your grass? What has happened to this world. If your father were alive, he would have died of a heart attack. Why can’t you grow some nice grains or something? Or at least get some nice cows.”
“Mummy, this is what people do here. We do not have cows.”
“Hai Ram! What has happened to this world? Why will Mrs. Sharma marry her daughter to you? No servants and no cows. Where have all the cows gone? Hai Ram!”
